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  • agholisticcounseli

Why do we keep repeating the same patterns?

My clients' stories are usually about repetitive patterns; women who continue to date unfaithful or abusive men, men in relationships with controlling women, people with economic difficulties that seem to last forever, abandonment, and countless other issues. Romantic relationships are especially important in this area because they provide the perfect scenario to analyze why we repeat patterns. The first 7 years of our lives we grow up practically in a state of hypnosis, during which we absorb all the beliefs and programs of the family that we are born into. Dad and mom are our first role models and whatever we learn from them, it becomes a truth that later on, we tend to repeat. Psychologist Enric Corbera says that adults spend their lives replicating their childhood. The most complicated part about this, is that we do it unconsciously; many people end a relationship with the hope that the next one will be better, but they really end up finding the same experiences. In these repetitive cycles we find the wounded inner child, that continues seeking to get met the needs that were not fulfilled during his/her childhood. I usually ask my clients to observe themselves during stressful situations and ask, "who is here", my inner child or the adult? The answer is always the same: it is the child who constantly breaks into our lives in search of healing. The child will continue showing up until we take care of him/her.

Becoming more conscious people is one of the best tools to start the path that will leads us to changing patterns and to inner healing. Exploring our family tree and its different transgenerational patterns and programs is necessary if we really want to transcend them. In the end, this process not only allows us to heal ourselves, but also helps to free our ancestors and the future generations. Thus, our children, for example, will not have to go through the same experiences that we did. I usually use a metaphor with my clients in which I tell them that family programs are like a hot ball that goes from generation to generation when our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, didn't know what to do with the ball. When that ball is in your hands you have the opportunity to learn to play with it, to manage the information it contains, and allow yourself to change the way that information has been perceived by your ancestors and by yourself. Just a change of perception can lead you to start the process to change these patterns. I know of a family where homosexuality has been perceived as sinful in the last 4 generations and, to the present time, 5 people with homosexual orientation have been born into this family, who have always been rejected and mistreated by their relatives, especially by their parents. I would say that more people with homosexual orientation will continue to be born in this family, until a father or a mother in the clan dares to question the belief of homosexuality as sinful, and opens the space of love and respect towards the sexual orientation of their children.

Pierre Teilhard De Chardin already said it: "We are spiritual beings living a human experience"; and if we understand what this means, we will understand that we come to this world with clear purposes, that we choose the family in which we are born into, and commit ourselves to the different programs of the clan to which this family belongs to. Then, there are no victims, there are souls who have always made a choice from love, and, no matter how difficult it may seem, we always have the capacity and tools to overcome it.

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